Ho Ho Ho

Well somehow it's December. It's the season of goodwill and festive cheer. It came so quickly, it was summer yesterday surely! I should be quite happy around about now, since coming back to Wales in July, I have a job (which I enjoy and which pays the bills) and a car (which gets me around) as well as plans that are starting to form and mould into exciting new things. But all it is is money. This time of year more than ever, the rift between those who have it and those who don't becomes more apparent. It used to be that family was worth it's weight in gold when the days draw in and the nights get extra cold, money can't keep you warm at night and leave a loving feeling in your heart like the ones most dear to you right? Well my sisters constantly ask me, 'What did you get mam?', 'What did you buy soandso?'...and it's all about the presents, the prestige, the shopping, the money!

Why can't people ask, 'So what charity are you choosing this year?' or 'So is the old lady down the road coming over for Xmas dinner?'...instead some people are beginning to hate Christmas...one man I served in Tesco at the checkout a few years ago stuck in my head. He was grumpy on Xmas Eve, buying value crisps and cans of beer...I tried to cheer him up asking him a generic question about getting ready for Xmas, he snapped back...'I hate Xmas! My kid will never be happy, all the other kids have loads and he has nothing he wants, I've worked two jobs right up until next year just to buy the minimum, I hate it!!'

Why is suicide the highest at this time of year, and has been for so long, yet no one pays any attention to what so many people can't go on living through. I had an ideal in my head that I would sell all my xmas presents or ask all my friends to donate money to charity in my name, but I forgot about that quite quickly and started browsing the shelves and spending hours online searching for all the items I wanted to have. Not that I don't have enough to begin with! I suppose I have less than a lot of people my age, I only work part time hours so money is sparse and since giving away all my clothes and possessions bar a backpack last year, I have little to show for 23 years worth of buying! This year I am selling all my BRANDED ITEMS, I'm calling it banish the brands and with the money half of it is going to charity and half is going towards cheaper clothing to replace the ones I sell. It isn't perfect but for someone who makes £30 a day it is the best I can do for now...

Letting the days go by....

It was the late Nora Ephron, famous playwright and journalist, who said that one must be the heroine of your own life and not the victim. I hope that my heroine will one day have more to overcome other than the pathetic feeling of boredom and apathy towards life in general. I have to now face, with much regret in stating this, the long journey to London as I take my parents to the airport. They will be gone for near a month and my sisters already have filled that space up with plans, plans and more plans. Boyfriends, jobs, things to do, people to see - me not being one of them of course since I moved back from Scotland to spend more time with them....so I suppose my battle is loneliness at the moment, left with no car, no money and absolutely no boyfriend. My Aunt Mimi sadly just passed away too, and at the age of 57, the news came as quite a shock...just not shock enough that it would spur my family on in the objective of solidarity. Nope. I will miss the company of my parents, the banter and the constant presence of them being there, in the background or otherwise, for me to talk to...I have friends, lots of people I would like to see and spend time with...but I suppose without money and transport, it proves to be quite difficult...I am hopeless really aren't I? Am I a heroine much, who am I saving? Aren't I more the victim...well if so then what to do to overcome this malady...perhaps I must instead, make plans??? Exercise my heart out...yes I wish things were simpler, how is it that even if I do those things I am still bored. I complain about how many times I have to visit the job centre every week even though I know in my heart, that I have a job to start in September so I am technically not that hapless and bored...so then why I am completely bored and unfulfilled, is it my age, the weather, the lack of love I feel in my life??? or the lack of purpose in my life, surely I need an adventure for this heroine to show her stuff!!!!

 "I can live alone, if self-respect, and circumstances require me so to do. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inward treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give."

That feeling when you raid your mother's old clothes

Well we all love vintage clothes, and every girl knows, our mother's closet can be a goldmine! Back in the 70s and 80s when she was a teeny size 6 and saved up all that amazing yet sometimes ghastly tube dresses and mini skirts for her future daughter, only for her to make riches on ebay and become a style icon...yes of course this is the obvious outcome to finding a pair of dixie dungarees that just about fit me!

How cool would these look if only they were in fashion again and not denotative of a lesbian tree hugger or a painter?? Or am I not being daring enough, the dungaree playsuit has made a comeback, maybe this little gem is soon to follow??? :)))

Being a dharma bum

Although I am more partial to On the Road, I couldn't help but feel like a scourge on society as an unemployed, single 20 something living with my parents, being totally dependent upon my two younger sisters for their transportation and on my friends for making me feel better about life. I wanted to hit the road and leave it all behind, begin again, be a dharma bum...but this time something told me to stay.

Maybe I had given up on being unique, on having a story that no other had, on living my dreams out loud. I wanted to do something radical with my life, forget about the impediments...but alas there I was down the job centre again, with the woman who was going to help me find a job, obviously I must have some flaw if I'm not already in work so her stance went something like this. I sat down and she made no expression or comment. She looked at the computer screen and said to it, 'I'll just be a moment typing up your answers ok', to which I replied 'sure'. She then looked at me, still utterly expressionless and even, miserable, and said very slowly as if she was talking to a deaf 90 year old or a cabbage, 'What's your full name again?', I replied, to which her next question, equally as stupefied, went 'and what's your marital status?' with a horrible bone chilling extension on the 'ussss' in line with the valleys accent. This was the answer to my problems, treat everyone with unbecoming disdain, disrespect and un-human coldness and I'll be good enough to find other people work! What an example us poor working class roughs have to look at in the deepest depths of desperation, do we really need people like this in these positions. How about talking to me as if I have a Masters, not moving briskly past the subject of education and asking me for the fifth time do I know how to set up an email account!!

This author also seems to agree. Here is another similar story from 2010, surely things have to change soon!
http://www.dooyoo.co.uk/employment-services/job-centre-plus/1488378/

Hello Summer my old friend...

Well long story here, but I'll go ahead...I am now 23 years old, a much wiser age than 22 and I am also currently unemployed and living with my parents in Wales...again...But getting here was hard. I've been through quite a lot in the last month, I visited the Hebridean Isle of Barra (of which sadly I was too preoccupied to document) but I have it all documented the old fashioned way, in my travel notebook, as bruised and battered as the rocks I sat on to write in it. I took a big step in quitting my job, I want more for myself and I know that sometimes you have to face the dragon head on in order to defeat it, instead of simply hiding behind a rock...and so I wrote up my first ever notice to quit and spent 2 days deciding whether to submit it. Now I feel like life may be turning in a new direction. I have started thinking seriously about writing a book, and have more than enough notes and ideas to get started, and time I might add...I spend most days worried about the future, worried about my money quickly running out, worried about how old I am getting with no relationships ever lasting longer than a year and the outlook looking bleak to say the least. I sunbathed today and wrote in my journal about nostalgia and new avenues of life revealing itself over the brow of uncertainty...but after a quiet summer walk with my sister I remembered the person I missed and the reason I came back, I needed to get in touch with myself again, spend time with the people that will ALWAYS be there and just relax!!!

Spring rain

Edinburgh, I believe, is one of the few cities that can get away with looking good when miserable. It's almost Gothic in it's natural way, and it's pale skies compliment the gray tones that are so prevalent in the beautiful architecture. On a day like this in Wales, I would be dreaming of a vacation, feeling like life can't go on when the weather impedes it so, but in Edinburgh, the rain almost beguiles you into fulfilling all those fantasies of dancing and splashing around outdoors with no real thought or are about it. I think there's a magic at work in Edinburgh, it ceases my discomfort in bad weather, bad weather doesn't equal bad mood or bad day, not if you don't want it too! :) (PS. I do not own this picture, sadly I couldn't take one as good as this today!)

A once in a while fashion blog

Just for a change, instead of the usual moany quarter life crisis/ first world problems crap, let's celebrate first world creativity and how better to reflect on that then through the eyes of fashion! (I sound way more shallow and materialistic than I actually am!). For all of you who love vintage and find it increasingly hard, since the vintage pre-loved trend has caught on, to find smaller sizes in adorable 60s and 70s clothes, then just take a look at this wee beauty! It's a size XS or  UK6, US2 and thank god I saved enough on clothes last month to be able to afford it. I love green but leather is a little too German jacket obsessed for me, I prefer the subtle suede and the simplistic but sexy design of this one. The model got it right to pair it with black, simple and sexy with that playful 70s boho edge...I found these shoes on Office too, someone must have just returned a size 4, EU37, US6 as they have been sold out for a while, but I bagged them for only £10! great with simple black dress for a night out, voilà!

Fashion isn't everything, it isn't even a golf ball in a jar, but if it makes you smile on a cloudy day then who's to say it's wrong! I'll post photos of the outfit all put together soon, watch this space! xoxo

Paying for the bus home

So I guess Jenners is a little swanky, a little up market for most people, some tourists come into the cafe...I watch their faces and notice that as their eyes scan over the prices their expression, indicative of a hopeful pit-stop, suddenly vanishes and they decide to find "a nice pub instead". However there are the few people brave and brash enough to spend £3.25 on a large Cappuccino (we do make them pretty damn fine too I will add!) and £2.50 on a scone the size of the old £5 coin my dad has hidden away in his coin collection, or for those of you less familiar with vintage rare coins, the size of a 'mini' American doughnut. As I hand them their 5p change and they stick it into their tweed jacket pocket or hurry it away into their Prada purse, they don't care about the explicit tip jar (shaped like an elephant) in front of them, or the eager to please young server behind the bar. I finished my 9 hour shift today with a total of 8p tip, almost, and I must stress ALMOST, a penny an hour! I decided to look up tipping online, since at minimum wage, I really rely on my tips for my bus fare to and from work. I even tip taxi drivers or hairdressers myself, I usually stick to around 10% even if I do spend £50 on a hairstyle, I think people deserve tip for doing a good job! But since most of the people that shop at Jenners can afford a few grand for a new Persian rug, it might come as a shock to know that hardly any of them ever tip, in fact most of us on the cafe get our tips from the regulars, the old couples that come in everyday and spend their pension on a cup of tea and sit hand in hand together listening to the Sinatra music. It's a little like the parable of the widow woman who goes to church and gives only 2p (culturally adapted) to the collection and gets sneered at by the rich man who donates a whole £1 to the collection bag. But the morale of the story is that the woman is a better person because she gives all she has...she gives out of her poverty and not her abundance...so weird how you see modern biblical stories in everyday life sometimes, or I guess try to see them so as to keep yourself going and make it a little better for yourself. In America there's this thing where you don't get a say in the amount or even choice of gratuity - it's 'mandatory'...Wiki says that "Some economists have argued that tipping is economically inefficient, and suggested that mandatory gratuity might solve some of this issue"..."The BBC has reported that some find the practice bothersome; particularly those who are not aware that the tipping is used to subsidize the sub-standard pay at the workplace"....I even heard of TGI Fridays arresting and chasing people down the streets when they refused to pay the mandatory gratuity, but I'm not sure if forcing people to pay is the answer - especially if the service isn't what they expect it to be (I am a customer as well as a server!)...Plus it makes people resent the tip instead of it being a good deed that also makes the tipper feel better...choice makes it so that appreciation and kindness and I guess, sympathy can still exist in the world...Maybe tomorrow I will make it to a round number...10p would be nice!

An Ode to 22

With the realization that the month of May is now looming closely to the scene I had a scary thought, that in less than two months I would turn 23, an age that I cannot possibly yet accept as I still have not entirely accepted that I've been 22 for almost a whole year! I know it's just a number and as I transcend the boundary between the two numbers nothing will change me as a person, but I still didn't like it, for me it represented everything I comparatively hadn't done or hadn't got yet; a career, a family, a serious boyfriend, money...in many ways my life profile read something like a high school drop-out's would, apart from the fact that I had a useless education. Being 22 had been hard, it was the age I graduated from school and ultimately and against my own will, became a part of the grown up world of employment, debt and singleton living. It was the age I got my first dog, my first full-time job, my first council tax bill...but was that it? So what now? I thought plans would fall into place and my graduate life would be like a movie where the geeky girl finally blossoms and gets the handsome guy, the dream job and the life-long lesson...but so far I've done none of that. I suppose instead of bottling these questions up, I hope that other people my age are feeling the same way and asking some of the same questions about their own direction in life. If so then perhaps reading that someone else is in the same rocky boat would be comforting...or maybe I'm just thinking too much!
For all the non-Edinburgians out there (yes I made up that word!) it has been very windy in Edinburgh for a while. In fact I think I'm getting used to the perpetual forceful winds blowing the dry ends of my hair against my numb face like razors! Bob Dylan said that the answer is in the wind,blowing in the wind, and if that were true then there would be a lot of unseen nebulous answers around here. In literature windy weather often means a vast change is approaching, maybe a storm...but who knows because at this age life is so unpredictable. Now more than ever I really miss knowing what I'll be doing next year, or even next week...Septembers full of new beginnings; school, friends, teachers...July, the beginning of a forever summer - the best times of your life. But it is still April, I still have time...